The Care givers side

I am including a blog from my wife. She is a cancer survivor and is presently caring for me. She is an angel. Listen to her heart as she shares her side of the story.

(Warning: This may be long and rambling…my thoughts on dealing with terminal cancer. It is so hard to put into words)

THAT question is:

“How is Mark doing?”

I have a love/dislike relationship with THAT question.
I LOVE that everyone is concerned and genuinely interested in Mark and his cancer journey.
I LOVE that I am asked THAT question often.
I NEVER dislike being asked THAT question, but I often struggle with coming up with the best answer for THAT question. Which is the part I dislike.
There is the really short easy answer: “pretty good.”
There is the short answer: “he is struggling, but hanging’ in there.”
There is the quick detailed update on chemo, side effects. (I wonder how graphic and real I should be.)
There is the long detailed answer that takes about 15 minutes to fully explain: the chemo schedule, the side effects, the meds to counteract those side effects, the struggle to balance medications for effective action in the bathroom, the “what to eat” game to help with said action, the brain fog, the emotional toll, the next scan, the next step, how work is going*, and so forth and so on… (*we are so grateful for Mark’s job. He loves it and it keeps him going. They have been so understanding and supportive through all of this!!).

And another really hard question for me is “and how are you doing?”

I am often emotionally and mentally exhausted. I think it is the constant-ness of this journey. It absolutely affects every single area of your life, your thoughts, your prayers, your schedule, your plans, all of it!!

I am grateful everyday for my faith and trust in Jesus. I have never questioned “why.” If anything I have thought “why not.” Cancer is not a respecter of persons. I don’t believe God gave Mark cancer, but He certainly allowed it to happen.

Could He heal Mark with just a thought? Absolutely!

Do I ask God to heal Mark? Absolutely!

Will He heal Mark? Absolutely!

It just may not be here on earth. We face this terminal diagnosis knowing that either way Mark wins. What an incredible comfort and gift!

Is it easy? NO! Are we sometimes overwhelmed with grief at the thought of Mark dying? YES! Do we discuss often “why do we work so hard to cling to this life when we know what is waiting for us.” YEP! Do we like to read and talk about heaven? YES! It brings comfort.

I tell Mark often “I have no idea how you must feel.” No one can possibly understand until they are in that situation. God gives grace and His mercies are new every morning. I think sometimes He does give us more than we can humanly handle but never more than HE can handle with us and through us.

We talk openly about what the future holds. It is possible that we have made you uncomfortable with the way we talk about cancer and dying either in a “live” conversation or in this journal. We don’t mean to do that. I know it is usually an awkward topic to discuss. It helps us and brings us — in a very real way — PEACE. We are happy to talk about any aspect of this journey with you. Please don’t be afraid to ask us questions.

Yesterday’s visit with our Oncologist was sobering but helpful. There were tears, treatment options discussed, different scenarios talked through. Pro and cons of looking at timelines talked about.

We love our Doctor. She is very caring and invested in Mark’s treatment. She told him today what so many of you often say: “You look so good.” She went on to say, “It is hard for me not to push you to do as much as you can with your treatment and options.” She reiterated though, that he is in the driver’s seat as far as how much treatment, how long, and when is enough. She is a big proponent of “quality of life.”

She will also be real and give us all the facts and the bottom line because we have asked her to do that. We want to know “on average” how long is this chemo effective, how long will that drug work, how much time does Mark have left, etc.

Of course, we know that Mark is above average! He may very well exceed expectations and be the one who sets new treatment records. But we want to know what will happen if this cancer takes it “usual” course.

If that happens we are looking at 10 months to a year. We would be thrilled if Mark could celebrate Christmas of 2021. That would be a bonus and that “above averageness” we are hoping for. It is our new goal, and when he reaches that, we will set the next goal!

On average his two chemo regiments combined work for about 36 months. He is 27 months into that 36. The next option is clinical trials at the University of Chicago. We are going to begin the process of looking at those trials in January, so we are ready to go when the time comes. So much needs to be determined. Is there a trial running that Mark would qualify for? How much time does it involve? How bad are the side effects? etc. A big decision for down the road.

Mark is planning for my future and I love him dearly for that! His biggest concern is leaving me alone. He knows however, as do I, that I will not be alone. I have a BIG God, a loving supportive family and a community of friends.

It is especially hard right now with Mark having just turned 65. We should be planning our retirement. We were planning to grow old together. Do we hate cancer? YES, we do!

We try to find JOY all along the way. We need to or we would go crazy with heartache. Grief is painful. I am so thankful for the peace that passes all understanding. Philippians is one of my favorite books of the Bible, and I LOVE these verses:

4:6–7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I know many of you reading this have a strong, personal relationship with Jesus and understand that peace. If you don’t and would like to talk to Mark or me about our faith, Jesus, the Bible, anything, we would love to share with you! Anytime!

Thanks for taking the time to read this and for your friendship, love and concern for our family.

Trusting one day at a time,

Brenda